It seems I am suffering from blogger's block. I simply have no inspiration to write anything down.

I am feeling slightly demotivated. The job isn't really going how I wanted it to go. I know I shouldn't say it out loud but I sometimes regret leaving my previous job. At least I knew exactly what I was doing and did it well. Here I never really know whether what I do is good and I know I am not fulfilling my potential but it currently seems to be quite hard to get my act together (scans the job section in the newspaper...).

At the same time, I had to put up with the parental unit coming to visit. I love my parents and I am sure they love me but they also know how to make me feel incredibly guilty and have a knack of turning back time 12 years and making me act like the stroppy teenager I was then.

My parents both grew up in a small village and still live there. They are happy and content but seem to find incredibly hard to comprehend that lifestyle is not something that was making me happy. After five years, I thought they had finally accepted my move to London. Last year we had a great conversation about it and I assured them the move had nothing to do with them. They did not drive me away.

I had no idea my mother had been considering that for so a long time and I wish she had just asked me on the day I announced I was moving to London. Although, I can understand why she delayed asking me this for so long. If I would have said yes they would have started questioning everything about the way they raised their children.

I try to make them understand that this is where I am happy, where I feel comfortable. I never felt I fitted in and when I left it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could finally breathe again. I have repeated this so many times but it does not sink it in, I don't really know what else I can do really.

It also seems the same rules don't apply to my older brother. My parents told me they are happy he is living his own life. And what makes me so different then.

Anyway, this discussion was once again held during their annual visit. This time, last week Sunday in my favourite Indian restaurant. My mother even shed a tear which makes me feel incredibly bad about doing something that makes me happy but not them. It drains me, it makes me feel guilty about leading my own life and it makes me feel upset because I know upset them.

I am actually rather relieved they are back in the motherland.

But things are looking up. I have changed my mind about my Italian degree and am actually starting Japanese in a few weeks. I figure the latter might be more of a challenge as I already studied Italian for a few years. It will be a interesting as up till now every language I have learnt has been one with an alphabet very similar to my mother tongue. I am curious to see how I will get on. My brain can use this work-out!

Master J is actually in Japan at the moment. Just before his plane was about to take off yesterday I received a text from him telling me he had been upgraded. Lucky man. After spending two and a half weeks with two of his friends and attending the wedding of one of them, he gets to have his own Bill Murray moment as well as he has booked himself two nights at the Tokyo Hyatt where Lost in Translation was filmed. I am having to console myself with a visit to the Tokyo Dinner in Soho instead. Jealous? Moi? Never!

And on that note, I have some work to get back to. Roll on this Bank Holiday weekend!

Ilse